There's been a million different things that have lead me to this update. It's been a long time coming, however.
Today seems like an important day for this. Today, the government voted against the #SpartacusReport request to pause plans to scrap Disability Living Allowance. Very worrying and disappointing. Clearly the very real fears of disabled people in this country aren't that important.
If you're reading this, you've probably met me in real life. The fact that I am disabled is therefore not big news to you. Cerebral Palsy and Spina Bifida; thank you for asking. Don't worry; you can't catch it. It would leave me wheelchair-bound, were it not for a sadistic routine of almost daily gym visits. Seriously, I'm that ill. Right now, it's okay. Not great. Okay.
If you've never met me, you probably didn't know this. Here's why.
I don't explicitly talk about this on here for one very important reason, the one thing I hold dear as a struggling performer who has a disability.
I don't want to be given a break because of my condition. I reserve the right to be shit.
I think it's safe to assume that the pages of the NME have been largely free of singer-songwriter-performers with CP of late. Let's say I've cornered that particular niche. But to broadcast the fact that I am a disabled performer as if that fact were part of what I do, I'm not so comfortable with that. Not comfortable at all, actually. I can't play the Disability Card. I am always going to be paranoid of getting any kind of leeway because of being thought of as a disabled person 'having a go'. I want people to feel free to hate my music; certainly don't give me any mileage because I'm a bit wobbly*. Maybe it's not an issue, but it definitely keeps me awake at night.
Sure enough, things could go the other way. The casual use of disablist language on twitter shows just how far we are from living in a society that accepts disabled people as equal. Will people disregard my work because of my condition? Would success put me in line for yet more discrimination?
I've been accused many times of hiding the fact; of being very dishonest with this blog. Readers have pointed to the fact that I should be 'real' enough to be open about it. The truth is, it's just not at the forefront of my mind at the moment. Not discussing it is fair, I feel, not dishonest. I'm an autobiographical writer, true, but is everything in my life constrained by my disability? Obviously not. The point of my career is not to be a disabled recording artist. I'm just doing the same thing as everybody else; screwing up relationships, hurting people I love, hurting myself... all that good singer/songwriter stuff. My life is fucked up enough at times, being disabled doesn't change a lot of that. I'm quite comfortable in my outsiderishness, you know. I have no desire to fit in anyway, disabled or not.
I'm digressing wildly.
The issues surrounding the Sparticus Report went some way to pursuade me to start talking about this in more detail. The struggle that disabled people will face due to the government's proposals is immense. If nothing else, I need to stand up and be counted, and for that to be a for a positive reason. After today, it's clear that we have a long fight ahead.
Before writing this, I appealed for advice from Nicola Clark on my unease about 'coming out' with the disability stuff. Nicky has been very helpful to me (and countless others) via twitter, and was kind enough to return my email. She felt very strongly that disabled artists need to make themselves known as such, but pointed out that many (like me) felt nervous about playing 'The Disability Card'. After her gentle encouragement, I felt a teeny bit less terrified by the thought of talking about all this.
Clearly, it's important to people. There are so few role models for disabled people in this country (not suggesting that I would make a good one) that clearly any performer that can use their position wisely really, really must. I know how much it would have meant to me when I was younger, if there had been someone I could relate too on that level, who's work I admired. To think that I could maybe, just maybe, have that influence over another young disabled person; well, that's definitely worth being in the firing line for.
*Not my term; pinched from the brilliant Francesca Martinez.
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